Deep Thoughts

Remembering Jack Handy:

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let them go, because, man, they're gone.

To me, its a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody asks, "Hey, can you give me hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

One thing I like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no!" I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And, since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, "why did they believe me?"

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is not to run with a wooden stake.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.